Right now

I'm thinking about how things fall into place the way that they do. Why do people fear confrontation and truth. Why can't things get handed to you on a silver platter when the less deserving get the special treatment. Who made the decisions that the sky should be up and the world should be round? I only sit in wonder because something somewhat frustrating happens and I take the time to try and figure out why. In that process I get deeper and deeper until I don't even remember what spurred such thoughts. I'm so stressed and my thoughts are literally screaming at me and my heart is racing as though there is a prize at the finish. What prize would it be for my heart if death where the shiny trophy or giant check? What if parts of you had their own thoughts? What if the couch you sit on got annoyed because you accidentally spilled crumbs on it? Maybe the crumbs are afraid of heights? Did they die on impact? Did they have families? What if you were the Godzilla in the life of a sandwich? Do you hold remorse for said sandwich? I honestly think far too long about the possible aspirations and thoughts of inanimate objects. I wish someone would just give me answers. Not necessarily about the seemingly pointless things that jog through my mind but of the "important" things. Like, why can't there just be life guiders people could go to? I'm starting to sound crazy, but I really would like to know some stuff. Nothing too wild, just random things that would really shine some sense onto a lot of things. Like, why do some people peg me as self centered? I don't get it. Although, what's new. I don't get much. I don't get satisfied or recognition or interest. I don't get a second glance or desires. I get what I beg for and what I beg for is mediocrity.

We all know

I would be lying if I said that I am the same person as I was 3 years ago, hell, even 3 months ago. I have changed a lot and in my point of view it was for the better. Yes, it is blatantly obvious that I was "easier to be around" over a year ago, but from what I know the only things I have changed or improved are that I tell the truth at most costs, I don't let people walk all over me, I've gained more knowledge in music and I'm not fake. This doesn't apply to everyone I know when I say that people don't like who I've become. People don't like when someone is blunt to their face or when someone that doesn't really like them isn't nice in front of them. I'm sorry but I just can't do it anymore. I can't go around being super sweet to those I just don't respect. Also, I have starting talking less and less to people I used to be close with because although it seemed like I didn't care before I am facing the fact that some of my friends aren't too great of people. If it seems like I have "betrayed" you or turned my back on you it could be because of something YOU did. I'm not saying that every time I don't talk to you for a little while means you're an asshole, I'm just saying that maybe you should take a look at the whole picture. No one is perfect especially me. Definitely me. I know my flaws, I know when to hold back, do you? Do you think that all unfortunate things happening in your life is something or someone else's fault? What I've learned is that I should step out of my selfish box and just look at things from the outside. Granted, I don't do it every single time, but I'm progressing. It may not look like it now, but I'm trying to become a better and more realistic person. Speaking of realistic, I would like to get into the topic of religion. *GASP* I know that about a year ago I was Christian. I know it seems like all of the sudden I just changed my mind because it was "cool" and everyone else was doing it! But, that is not the case. I was slowly losing faith over time and there were a couple things just hurdling me into my current stand quicker. I no longer believe there is a god or whatever. No religion is the right one. If so, that's too bad because there are too many to beat out and none have a fighting chance, except maybe Christianity due to the fact that it is the most popular. Oh well, people can believe whatever they want to as long as they're not shoving it down my throat. That goes for everything, not just Christianity. We live in a free country for a reason, deal with it.

Hopelessly

I wait around mentally alone wanting something or someone to happen. Every moment of my existence seems like a farce that someone from the outside is having a laugh at. No, not someONE some crowd of beings. Some large mega dome full of people with the driest of humor. People that wonder why I'm even wasting space on this vile earth. I can see a future featuring me in a straight to DVD movie encircling the joke that is myself. I realize that to those of you reading this, I sound like one of those people who ache for sympathy, but honestly, I'm usually not. I'm the sympathetic one, the caregiver, almost maternal even. I beg to be needed and thrive on being wanted. I overanalyze the slightest things people do in order to make me seem victimized. It's pathetic but I feel if people didn't include me in things, it has got to be because they did it on purpose. Know why? Because if I think they actually took a minute or even a second out of their thoughts to even intentionally single me out, I feel important. Again, I know it sounds exceptionally pathetic, but I am involuntarily in love with attention. I'm good at seeming spiteful towards it, but it's a huge act. And it's not like I lie about it either, I just naturally react negatively towards attention although now, we all know it's a croc. Call me out on it next time...I'll love every moment.

Once upon

One lonely day of being invisible to the world, I realized something about myself and most every being in this entire universe. All things will be forgotten. Every person, every cause, every laugh, cry, smile, scream and whisper. No matter how much or little one or many has done for this world or any other, it will be overlooked and forgotten sooner or later. I was never that person who proclaimed that she would make any difference on a large scale at all. Maybe for the people I know and will meet, yes and hopefully, but I never planned to make people love or hate what I believe in. I know it's pessimistic of me to say, but in the end, no one will care. No one will give a second thought to whether Martin had a dream or Obama wanted change, because the world, amongst others, is a selfish place. Give it some time and you will see it if you don't already now. I'd bet when this earth comes to a devastating end, the beings, if any, on Saturn or in any other universe for that matter definitely won't give a shit, even if they do know what went down here. I don't want to listen to my parents say that I need to go to college and make more out of my life, because it doesn't matter what I do at all to someone else other than my child, if I choose to have one or my spouse if someone will finally decide to have me. What's the point in being so self involved to suck up all the money by becoming a high paid CEO or a sleep deprived doctor or maybe a hateful loveless lawyer? I don't see any point, except if they're running low and you find yourself vastly eligible, go ahead I guess. But, don't ask me why I'm not in college "bettering" myself, because as far as I know, all I need to do is whatever I please. I want to be happy and make enough to pay my bills, lightly spoil my potential child and myself. I don't want to be a pretentious millionaire with nothing better to do than buy things for themselves. And even if I ever were to stumble upon a life of riches, I'd bet I'd buy thing's for the deserving people in my life, since I do it already with the little money I have.

Not really

Not on purpose at all, I said to a friend of mine that I was going to go to bed, but alas, I am here very obviously awake and feeling bad for mistakenly giving out false information. I didn't mean to. I completely had my heart set on unconsciousness but after getting up, cleaning my teeth and face then coming back into the room, I felt less weary. I'm now finding out this new wind was a short-lived falsification because again, I am very tired and feeling a little dizzy from being so. The human body is a mysterious place by which i cannot decipher, especially my own. You would think I'd know myself well enough to predict such a thing would happen but more than anyone else, I am most detached. I don't understand why or what I think or feel. I can barely give an explanation for many things I believe in or don't. The precursors in my life that have led me to these exact moments are the haziest of blurs that no man would be able to see with even the best of eyeglass. No deity of any religion could number my days or plan my next thought. Amongst everything I've known, I do know one thing: life or any piece of it is in no way predetermined. Nothing is fate. Fate is a fake as the gilded jewelry welfare mothers insist on wearing for any hope of a status climb. As fake as the nails the women partaking in whoredom buy with the earnings from their trashy ways of life in order to make a living. Possibly as fake as the love so many claim they feel for unsuspecting victims that they throw out with the garbage once weekly. Don't come at me with the fallacy of fate, come at me with rationale and reason, with the obvious proof of cause and effect.

Oh my

I'm writing twice in one day, something must be up. I'm just so unhappy right now. I know typical and annoying of me to complain, but who the fuck cares. This is my damn blog and if you're reading it then I'm sure you don't mind.

Why is it that about every 4 days I get all down and out. I know that there really isn't any explanation for it, but sometimes I just sit and think waaaay too much and wallow like a little bitch. Why can't I be privileged, why can't I have the things some people have. I know everyone thinks the exact same thing, but all I really want/need is a nice car. Like, nice nice. At least newer than a 2000, less than 100k on it and everything in complete impeccable working order. If I had only that, so much would fall into place for me. That's all I ask for.



Oh, and for everyone to be okay with what I want to do for myself. It's my life, please accept that.

Live for this

I've been here pondering everything I need to do before I leave. I need to pay about $1000 in tickets and about $800 in emergency room fees. I decided that since I most likely won't have that all taken care of by the time I leave, I will just have them take $50 each from a bank account monthly. Good idea? I think it's the best I can come up with. And I know you're thinking, "Why the fuck doesn't she just move after she's paid, like, later on?" Well, honestly I can barely handle another month, week, day here. Prior to living here for 10 1/2 years I lived in 4 other states and many other cities. I don't know how I didn't just leave the day I graduated from high school because of how long I've been here in comparison to everywhere else. Wait, I know why, it's because my best friends at the time probably would not have liked that very much. Lucky for them I didn't have a magic crystal ball telling me that it won't be the same with them not a year later. If I would've known I probably would've selfishly peaced the fuck out the day before my 18th birthday. It sounds kind of mean, but as I get older I keep realizing that everyone just needs to do what they want or what they feel is right for themselves.

So, now I'm stuck trying to get what I want to do figured completely out and explain to those who matter why. But, the people I love should understand, right?


NEW TOPIC!


I potentially may get a second job. I don't want to, but I need to. My main occupation is very slow between the end of January and the middle of July. I only want to work 10-20 hours a week more and Nordstrom just can't supply me with that now. And every time they send out a "Who wants to leave early, because almost everyone can!?" email, it's hard to not hit the LVEA button and gallivant right out of that place. If I get a second job, I'd legitimately get the hours and money I need without the temptation of leaving early to be social or lazy.

So, question is...which of the two nearby businesses should I work at, the gas station or the Tobacco Outlet. Either way, both will hinder me from even thinking about quitting smoking. Ha.

Since no one uses Xanga anymore

I decided that I'd use this site. I need an outlet for me to stay healthy in the mental department and Myspace or Facebook just won't work out for an abundance of web logs. Also, a good friend of mine, Brea, uses this also and I'd like to comment on her everyday life while she's away in Asia.


With the psuedo introduction now set aside, I would like to address the ever so popular topic of The Male Species. Yes, I know...cliche as hell, but I'm at that age where everything I do or say will be construed as cliche, so fuck it! Anyhow, guys, why is it that so many of you, like us females, claim to want what is known as a "good" relationship but you totally avoid that by weeding out the somewhat pretty but curvy girls? I mean, there are some of you who don't but still have high standards in other areas.
Like, I'm not trying to pull the race card AT ALL because I'm several very different races myself, but like I notice white girls always get all the love. Like, for example, I started getting somewhat into this guy who highly insinuated that he felt the same way. Little did I know, after hanging for 10 days being all kosher and shit he just quit speaking to me out of nowhere. Apparently, according to Facebook because my friend told me and I deleted him, he got a girlfriend.(lol sentence) She was what the young'uns would call a "wigger" and she's about my size give or take 5 pounds. Also, not as pretty as me in mine or my friends' opinion. Granted we're biased, but we're not fucking blind and we don't really like to lie to one another. I just thought it was a bunch of bullshit because he was black.(first full black guy I've ever wanted to date.) And this brings me back to my point of white girls having all the fun!


I would probably give any guy $5 to give me a valid and serious explanation as to why they choose white. I mean, I know I prefer white guys, but everyone knows that and maybe that's what happened with this guy? He just may've taken a race taste(ew) like I did and it just wasn't his bread and butter?
WHO KNOWS?



All I'm wanting to know is why white girls are always the quickest to get boyfriends in my experience.