To a degree

The more I think about my life as a whole the more disappointed I get in myself. I feel as though the older I get the more immature I become. Not socially, but responsibility-wise I'm going backwards towards childhood status. The things I wish didn't faze me are dictating my life. The people I barely acknowledge, negative feelings I get from every situation and society as a whole are running my entire life. I think too much and do too little. I need to evolve and get my shit straight because so far digressing in every situation thrown my way isn't cutting it. I'm driving myself completely nuts just breathing in and out. I have to do nothing whatsoever to absolutely anger myself. I need a leg up. I may not deserve it, but I'm so weak that I need the strength of another or several others to even live a semi-decent life. In order for me to not be alleyway box-ridden takes at least two people other than myself to make it so. I'm a pathetic being and I need to change. I need to get everything in order. I need to do so much in so little time that I may just spontaneously combust. Knowing that every time I seem to figure things out for me and become a somewhat respectable person then getting shat on in the end isn't the best of reinforcements. I need something more enticing, rather than blatantly realistic preconceived notions of my future.

Every instant

I'm sinking further and further within myself.
Feeling caged inside my head.
Many passersby wander along with millions of different keys on their chains.
I know every one of them has a key or several that would free me.
Yet, like a nightmare, I yell with a muffled voice and they ignore my flailing arms.
I've never felt more alone than I do everyday.
Every new moment I'm cursed with more torture.
It's although I'm dying of thirst, but I'm chained just far enough away for the water to escape my grasp.
The din of the rest of the world gets so loud that I can't even feel myself breathing.
Then again, it's so quiet my thoughts are screaming and pleading to be set free.
My ear drums are broken.
And my frozen heart pumps blood, no more.

I am

Still trapped in my thoughts, but now I have something worth reading to write. Rather than progressing everyday like everyone else, I fall back at a staggering rate and when I hit the ground it's nothing like the asphalt I expect, it's moist and soft. Before I can manage to get on my feet I realize it's quicksand and there's no one there to help me. I struggle and writhe until I'm neck deep and then just before I feel my chest compressing, somehow I find myself standing beside the pit dirtied and thankful I got out of that one. It seems that although I have heaps of bad luck, I somehow manage to pull myself out of trouble for what seems like a blink of an eye. The ratio of bad to good things that happen to me are out of this world and if this is how it's always going to be then I don't know what to do. Sometimes I sit for hours and think about what I can do next. The possibilities are on a short list. Sometimes there is no list at all. I don't know how to go about righting all of the wrongs in my life without some large amount of help from the people that have only taken from me because they are the only ones at liberty to fix me. That which broke me needs to put me back together somehow and soon because I don't know how much more I can take of myself in this state. I don't like who I've become for the most part. I want to be someone worth knowing.