I'm copying Elise

These are a few of my favorite things:

Reading, laughing at myself, quality Anime, black girl/white guy couples, being ridiculous, learning something new, discovering new things about others, Elise and Leslie, stupid humor, intelligent humor, girls with red hair, the name: Nancy, classic names in general, hardcore/punk, buzzed heads, freshly showered men, free stuff, the help and support of those who care about me, Disney movies I grew up watching, cartoons I grew up watching, the thesaurus, foreign languages, realism, surrealism, middle school level math, RPGs, western civilization, caring just enough, doing hair for free, giving people gifts, 90's music, British literature, educational television, shows, fashion[to an extent], cable and local news, my brothers, new clothes and shoes, doggies, sizeable group photos, the Gilded Age, Elizabethan Era, tattoos worth having, morning, the Sound Of Music, Kingdom Hearts, Orson Scott Card, being over-analytical, e.e. cummings, picnics, any body of water, cold sand, water skiing, my family circa 1994, the smell of rain, 18th century art, thunderstorms, Plato, Voltaire, Socrates, a new crush, Christmas in Ohio, accidentally beautiful photography, action movies, layering clothes, classic beauty, documentaries, fruit juices, grilling...

More to come.

So

In the next few months I have to get my shit figured out and move to either Chicago, back to Cedar Rapids or to Ohio. Although it'd be nice to be with my family all the time, I don't want to move to Ohio because I'd miss Elise too much and Leslie and I would definitely regret it within the first month. I do love my family, but I'm closer with my best friend than them, which seems messed up, but I don't spend enough time with them. It would lead you to wonder why I don't move there for that reason, spending time with them, but it's more than that and I don't want to be unhappy where I am. I definitely don't want to move back to Cedar Rapids because I don't want to live alone there, have a hard time finding rides to work and go backwards. I've only just left and I know I could take the bus to work, but getting home would be hard because the bus only runs until about 6:30pm. I'll most likely move to Chicago because my heart is there and Elise is moving there, too. She can't live at her brother's forever and so when she decides it's time, she can just live with me, which would be great. I guess I could handle living alone for probably a year, but I get so scared and paranoid. I just can't sit alone with my thoughts for too long because I know I will freak myself out completely. The best parts of it would be that the public transportation goes to many places and runs all of the time and that I just love Chicago. I won't be bored even when I have to go to places alone and I could maybe get a dog of my own. Also, I could probably work at Nordstrom again. I'll even work at the Rack. I hope everything works out for this and that I'm not getting too ready for letdowns, as usual.

Elise

is the bestiest best friend ever.
She's honest and giving.
I like how she doesn't hide her feelings.
Even if she is in a bad mood, it's great of her to still deal with me.
I love her.





This may be retarded to everyone, but I honestly do think she's number 1. [=

I am so

scared, afraid, aghast, fearful, panic-stricken, petrified, shaken and terrified.


I have no idea what I should do. Chances are, I'll probably stick with the plan and see how it goes. I would like to have hope for myself, but judging from the previous downfalls, I don't. I'm only worried that I can't do it myself. But I know I have to learn someday or else I'm fucked. Seeing as I've thrown up, had a migraine and cried all my nervous feelings out, all I have left is a finicky stomach and sadness. I hate myself so much.

All is unexceptional

Change is irrelevant
Same dew at dawn as is at dusk
No matter what, everything is the same
Claim progression with no evidence
The only place to go is down
Keep your eyes high for mediocrity
Smile for nothing more than slight adequacy
Lend a hand of indifference
Tell an ordinary joke
Say you'll improve without advance
Every moment means nothing
Every caring shrug, careless
All promises crushed
No reason for assurance
Lies are truth and truth is right
Friends are acquaintances
Handshakes and kisses are coequal
Talking means nothing
Words are empty
There is no reason for affirmation when it's dead.
No one is worth any time

Not even yourself
Same dew
Same mold
Claim and claim, but be a liar
Cry wolf and be eaten

I never thought that

The saying: "Ignorance is bliss" held so true to me. I never thought that I would rather not fucking know than be severely disappointed when I find out the truth. I hate that I can barely trust anyone and that I have to walk with my eyes crazily scanning all around me and sleeping with one eye open. I don't like feeling alone. I don't like feeling as though I can't just make every thought I have open to everyone. I want more from life. I want more people to be trustworthy. I want so much and so little from everyone. How hard is it? I'm aware that all I do is complain. I'm also aware that I myself aren't in any way perfect. I know I'm one of the people I speak about. I can't be trusted, nor can I stand myself either. What I know is that when I say I'm not going to do something or I am, I usually come through to the best of my ability. Seeing as I don't have things many people do readily available to me, I may fall short on many things. Such things I can't give my word on are never promised, just hoped for. All I'm asking is that everyone else hope to do what they say they will instead of having completely empty promises. I know that it's impossible for all humans to keep promises, but please, at least do what you can and hope for what you agreed to. I'm just so sick and fucking tired of everyone and everything being so desolate.