Grateful

I love the Krajeckes.
They may be my favorite family ever.
They're loving and gracious.
Like everyone else, they have their problems.
But they look past them.
They actually act like a family should.
They listen to music together.
Watch movies and laugh.
Make me wish I grew up with something similar.
No matter what, they look out for each other.
They help each other out.
They learn new things from each other.
Everyday.
Everyday they love more and more.

So

I'm trying to be proactive about everything.
But I have no idea where to start.

Any help?

And so forth

I'm still stranded at a crossroad of monstrous proportion.
I feel like I'm going to be lost forever.
Or until I'm forced to make a terrible decision.
I know there are a few options.
One I want.
One that would be nice.
One that's the easiest.
And one that is depressing.
The one I want won't work.
I can't pay rent alone nor live alone in a new place.
The nice one isn't that nice.
I don't want to live there.
But I love my brothers.
The easiest is somewhat sad.
I don't want to leave people I love.
But I could see some family I rarely ever see.
Although I know I would be somewhat letdown.
And I don't want to be depressed with the last one.
Why go back to something so mediocre/unfulfilling.

I'm fucked.
I just wish I could give up.

And evaporate.

Elise and I love Silver Foxes

For these reasons:

Anderson Cooper
Gerard Butler
Mike Rowe
Bear Grylls
Al Pacino
Robert De Niro
Bruce Willis
Brad Pitt
Denzel Washington
Edward Norton
Paul Bettany
Russell Crowe
George Clooney

Uhh, we're having an issue thinking up people we talk so much about.
More later.
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I would love to thank Elise for giving me a great birthday.
I'm lucky to have someone like her.
It's weird because she's like sky level amazing and I'm soil.
Thank you, Elise!
You're the bestiest.

Soo

I don't get people.
Why are you interested in me, but you don't even know me?
I tried to communicate, but you brushed me off.
So, quit lurking.
Mind your own goddamn business.
I'm not appealing whatsoever.
So quit.
Shit's creepy as hell.

The difference

I've come to realize that I love only about four people other than those in my family.
There's Elise and Leslie.
Then the other two that I will leave to your imagination.
I know I run around like an idiot telling many people I love then.
But in reality, it's either I love the old you, the potential of you or the you at that very moment in time I'm proclaiming such love.
I'm not a liar.
I'm just missing, hoping or having too much fun.
Sue me.
I'm well aware that about six seconds later I'm questioning why I even said I loved you.
You've done nothing for me, nor will you ever.
I'm foolish and too accepting sometimes.
Which is why I am where I am right now.
In trouble, confused and lacking in the friend department.
I really couldn't care less if I have nine million friends.
I really actually enjoy having two or three real caring friends.
Rather than waste time with fruitless hapless bursts of a excitement.
Also known as, most of the people I hang with from time to time.
Yea, it's nice to have a good amount of people when you're trying to have a party.
But other than that, I see not much of a point.

Sweet Innocence

I didn't write this, but the person or people that did are geniuses.

I walk through the darkest rooms
Full of gloom and minds like mazes
And rejoice 'cause I'll be the voice
Of your failure fucking generation
Still don't belong to anyone
This is a life of hesitation
And we'd all trade one night to remember
For the years we've carelessly wasted
Big dreams and half full drinks
A few pills in your guts
So now it's easy to think or breathe
And true love was just a marketed ploy
So guys can hit their lines
And girls can grab their boys
Sweet innocence with loser's luck
I know you think you're giving love
But you're just getting fucked
Guess what?
I looked and you know what I found?
That you can't expect to trust this world
When you can't even trust yourself
And your head starts to spin
As you dance to the beat
Because tomorrow isn't promised
But it's sure as fuck is coming
And your body starts to shake
As you sing in the streets
Because it's cold outside
So you better start running
Don't count on me to save your life
When I've never had
A clear enough perspective on mine
And I know things change
we'll go our separate ways
And alive is the only thing
It seems we've stayed lately
And the truth isn't always easy to believe
You walk alone to the sound of your own heartbeat
And I know it's not always so easy to see
But we are still all so fucking beautiful to me

More complaints

No matter what I will never feel adequate.
I will always be too ugly, too fat, too short.
Regardless of what anyone says, I won't ever agree.
I don't care if it's lies or not.
I know that I'm not up to par.
Everything I know is from life experiences.
If I were worth it, why isn't anyone spending their precious time?
Why am I ignored, overlooked and uninteresting.
Why is everyone else I know having more fun?
Having higher hopes, for even just a week?
I want that feeling of elation.
I want to be called pretty by someone other than the people who love me.
I trust half of what they say, but I'm not on the same boat.
Nor am I even a close second to them, whatsoever.
I'm in the nosebleed section of the bleachers.
Watching.
Empty.

And alone.

Yeah...

I am well aware that I constantly complain.
Who doesn't nowadays?
I was raised into this person.
Always surrounded by unhappiness and whining.
What do you expect?
What am I expected to turn into?
I am a product of what I've always known.
Just like almost everyone else.
I'm not angry that I'm lumped in with the over-complainers.
But I want everyone to admit they bitch and moan as much or more than I fucking do.
You're not holier than me.
Nor do you deserve to be condescending.
Fuck you.
Fuck me.
Fuck everyone and everything.

I honestly can't give a fuck less.
And if it seems like I give too much of a fuck, especially right now, then fuck it.
All that matters is that if you don't like it, piss off.

At a loss

Sometimes I feel I was dealt a hand full of failure and losses.
But rarely, I get something good out of it.
A great friend.
Maybe some money for 5 minutes.
Other than that I don't know what the point is.

I would just really like some finality with where I'm going.
Some promise that says I'll be okay someday.
I just want things to work out.
I need some closure.
Some reason I'm even here.

All would be different if I had one of the happiness components.
Beauty, money, security or knowledge.
One would be just fine.
I wouldn't second guess my entire life as much.
And people sure would like me better.

Bah!

Don't ask.
I don't know.
Questions unanswered.
Promises broken.
Completely imprisoned.
Inside out.
Visibly depressed.
No future.
No absolution.
Nothing.
No one.

Lost.