Making changes for the possibility of bettering my life.
Mostly because two people really believe in me.

Lucky for them, b/c I don't really believe in myself. Not yet.

Copying Elise's post

I moved to

http://pursuingghosts.tumblr.com/

This will never be deleted, b/c I'm satisfied w/ a lot of what I write, even if depressing and not so great.

Know what...

Everyday I wake up on the "wrong" side of the bed.
Anytime I look blank, I have you in my head.
Sadly, I'm a victim of cliche lust and loss.
I've paid my dues tenfold, although expensive is the cost.
I turn to look and see who it is that called my name.
And always it is no one, hallucinations are to blame.
I make believe things to get me through the day.
People question my smile and I reply with "I'm okay."
Being "honest" doesn't matter; I still tell many lies.
One day people will see right through my disguise.
I set myself up for failure more and more and more.
I can't even cry because I know what's in store.
Go ahead and say that I'm being melodramatic.
But put yourself in my shoes, oh, wait they'll never fit.
I don't need someone to completely understand.
And I don't need someone to adhere to my demands.
Because let's face it, I'm so not worth your time.
We all know time is money and I'm not worth a dime.
I have such will to dream up higher hopes.
But each time pursued, the door is slammed, "Nope!"
With how much I've laid down, all the blood, sweat and tears.
Everything becomes reality, even my darkest fears.
The only things keeping me from collapsing in the dust.
Are the fairytales I live with of sadness, loss and lust.

Endless

I can't stand waking up everyday feeling hopeless.
As though the amount I try is exponetially less forgiving than everyone else.
As though I'm swimming to safety in quicksand with cement shoes & gloves on.
I'm stagnant.
I've fallen from grace years upon years ago & there's not one person to blame
but myself.
I want so much for my life.
Every dream easily grasped by any normal person, fulfilled.
Being able to stand up & voice my accomplishments with pride.
Not with disappointment.
Because, let's face it, I'm most disappointed in myself.
I'm honestly surprised with the quality of my loved ones.
The amazement that is my best friend.
I don't deserve this.
I don't deserve to have real friendship.
It's not like I'm one of a kind awesome.
Not like there's not five more of "me" around the corner.
Five more wasted lives to hear whining about.
Five more sacks of useless garbage.
I don't expect one person to feel my pain
or for that matter, sympathize.
Because I'm helpless along with hopeless.
I make myself out to be so half full to most.
When all I know is half empty.
When all I know is failure.
It's like I walk up two steps and fall down four.
And all I do is find myself using numbers to add up my losses.
So many goals, untouched.
So many promises, unkept.
I'm not worth your time.
I'm not worth knowing.

I'm not worth existing.

Realist

The one who keeps me grounded,
helps me know what's needed seen.
She has a way of always knowing,
what's real and make believe.
I can't be more than happy,
for the way she lives her life.
Her knowledge and philosophy,
gets me through my strife.
If only people knew about,
everything that she's been through.
They'll have a sense of realization,
that she's right and true.
One day she'll be renowned,
for all it is she knows.
Everyone will appreciate,
her intelligence exposed.
I know soon she'll meet her match,
someone worth her time.
A person that gets her,
a motherfucking dime!
I've got complete respect for one
and it's my bestest friend.
No one has been so straight up,
She's real until the end.

I can

taste the days when I was it.
When I was the only one who understood the shit.
If people said, "I know, I know..."
You'd know enough to just blow
Them off, goodbye, you're playing games
We knew what was up and all the same
To think that I'm just hanging back
Makes it hurt so bad, just like you smacked
Your hand across my face
I'm feeling so disgraced
I never switched my place
With a fake who took the bait
And knelt to kiss your feet
Every second she followed your lead
Now all I do is try
To keep closed my eyes
All the time wishing and hoping
They will not fail and open
But sometimes I'm not strong enough
That's right, you called my bluff.

Really

I'm grateful for the few I have.
Especially my best friend.

I'm pathetic but

It's the little things that change how I feel.
The tiny thing's people don't even think about, but happens subconsciously.
The reason why it affects me so much is that psychologically, the subconscious acts of others are what truly mean to come out.
They're what people intend.
And every time, I seem to notice something people say or do that they didn't make an effort to on purpose.
And every time it's something that hurts my feelings, it really makes me down.
I realize I sound like a child, but my emotions are stuck there.
I've lived my life in a way to make things very hard to deal with.
Any single thing can take me from happy to depressed.
So ridiculous, but it's true.
And honestly, I'm surprised people deal with it and me.
But I just need to be up front with myself and admit that I have problems.
I pretty much always have.
And it's hard to figure out what to do when I'm always alone.

I know

I need to change quite a bit.
Not really my personality, but the way I do things.
How I react and how fast I get stuff done.
But I can't help feeling that I'm stuck in a rut.
Every time I feel like I'm making progress, I end up facedown.
I've got about two people cheering me on.
Without them this would be even harder.
Trying to make life more worth waking up for is a job in itself.
Working and working constantly just to be okay.
It's crap, because it seems like the happy people got it all for free.
Got it from someone in their family long ago doing all the dirty work.
Lucky them.
I wish I were able to be that person for my family.
But I don't have enough heart.
Not enough will to even satisfy myself.
It's pathetic, I know, but it's me.
As I said, I need to change.

Destitute

I need out.
For means of survival, I need out.
I want to feel content within myself.
And there's no way w/o getting out.
Someday soon, I hope, I'll escape.
I'll enjoy each breath I take.
When that day comes everything will look up.
I have few things to be happy for.
And one will be going soon.
I know I'll be okay.
But I always get scared.
I know I need to grow up.
But I always get scared.
This happens all the time to other people.
Why can't I just take it with a grain of salt.
I've never had someone to care.
And now that I do, it's hard.
Anything to ever go wrong has been my fault.
I hope to gain the strength to right my wrongs.
And finally just be able to live.

Lost

I used to fill that empty hole
but now I'm barely needed.
Feels like someone came and stole
the one thing that's kept me breathing.
I hate to make this all about me
but I am who I am.
All I want is for the feeling to leave
I'm treading on broken land.
My feelings hurt from inside out
but it's no one's fault but my own.
I don't know what this is about
you made me feel at home.
Now sometimes I'm like a stranger
when I can't express.
My sadness turns into anger
I'm sorry, I digress.

Uh

What the hell?
I don't know if I'm overreacting or what.
But this is hurting my heart.
Every time I think about the possible outcome, my chest burns.
I want to get answers, but I can't.
Everything I know and have lived for in the past couple years may be crashing down.
Only reason why I haven't reacted openly is because I have trust.
I believe it's not even an option.
So, until further notice, I will be excited for what's to come and brush of my worries.
Because for all that I know, I'm just being ridiculous.

I hope that I'm being ridiculous.

Pretty sure

I need to go to therapy.
I need an unbiased person to tell me when I'm right and wrong.
Someone to tell the fucked up shit to.
Someone to hear me out in situation when I'm being tossed aside.

I'd just really like to figure out if I'm really being that fucking ridiculous.

Solitude

Up until now, I was blaming everything wrong with me & my life on that which surrounds me.
I was misguided.
I've realized that I'm just not socially equipped for friendship.
People see me as the skewed version of what I think I am.
And they're not false.
I'm just projecting myself in a way that is ill received.
Most times I think what I'm doing is the right thing, then later I notice each and every single thing that I should not have said or did.
I hate that I'm this good at letting everyone down, including myself.
And I'm not looking for someone to deal with my bullshit.
I'm not trying for pity.
I just want to actually write that I do know what the fuck my problem is.
I'm either too nice or too mean.
My extremes are so far apart that knowing me is a chore.
Not being my friend, just knowing me at all is too much to deal with.
I understand that I will end up ultimately alone.
I've taken that into account a long time ago & although I'm not prepared or happy with it, I have to just handle it.
I have a person or two who I really care about, but I even make them draw back.
It'd be great to fucking just stop being this damn annoying.
To stop trying to show people how much I do care even if they already know.
I need to just back the fuck off and shut my mouth.

In order for anything to be worth living for, I will.

/=

I have so much to say and no time to get it out.
Just be happy I don't have a computer because people would get an eyeful.
Who cares anyhow.
Everyone who matters already knows my shit.
And everyone who doesn't is my shit.