Up until now, I was blaming everything wrong with me & my life on that which surrounds me.
I was misguided.
I've realized that I'm just not socially equipped for friendship.
People see me as the skewed version of what I think I am.
And they're not false.
I'm just projecting myself in a way that is ill received.
Most times I think what I'm doing is the right thing, then later I notice each and every single thing that I should not have said or did.
I hate that I'm this good at letting everyone down, including myself.
And I'm not looking for someone to deal with my bullshit.
I'm not trying for pity.
I just want to actually write that I do know what the fuck my problem is.
I'm either too nice or too mean.
My extremes are so far apart that knowing me is a chore.
Not being my friend, just knowing me at all is too much to deal with.
I understand that I will end up ultimately alone.
I've taken that into account a long time ago & although I'm not prepared or happy with it, I have to just handle it.
I have a person or two who I really care about, but I even make them draw back.
It'd be great to fucking just stop being this damn annoying.
To stop trying to show people how much I do care even if they already know.
I need to just back the fuck off and shut my mouth.
In order for anything to be worth living for, I will.
