Really

I'm grateful for the few I have.
Especially my best friend.

I'm pathetic but

It's the little things that change how I feel.
The tiny thing's people don't even think about, but happens subconsciously.
The reason why it affects me so much is that psychologically, the subconscious acts of others are what truly mean to come out.
They're what people intend.
And every time, I seem to notice something people say or do that they didn't make an effort to on purpose.
And every time it's something that hurts my feelings, it really makes me down.
I realize I sound like a child, but my emotions are stuck there.
I've lived my life in a way to make things very hard to deal with.
Any single thing can take me from happy to depressed.
So ridiculous, but it's true.
And honestly, I'm surprised people deal with it and me.
But I just need to be up front with myself and admit that I have problems.
I pretty much always have.
And it's hard to figure out what to do when I'm always alone.

I know

I need to change quite a bit.
Not really my personality, but the way I do things.
How I react and how fast I get stuff done.
But I can't help feeling that I'm stuck in a rut.
Every time I feel like I'm making progress, I end up facedown.
I've got about two people cheering me on.
Without them this would be even harder.
Trying to make life more worth waking up for is a job in itself.
Working and working constantly just to be okay.
It's crap, because it seems like the happy people got it all for free.
Got it from someone in their family long ago doing all the dirty work.
Lucky them.
I wish I were able to be that person for my family.
But I don't have enough heart.
Not enough will to even satisfy myself.
It's pathetic, I know, but it's me.
As I said, I need to change.

Destitute

I need out.
For means of survival, I need out.
I want to feel content within myself.
And there's no way w/o getting out.
Someday soon, I hope, I'll escape.
I'll enjoy each breath I take.
When that day comes everything will look up.
I have few things to be happy for.
And one will be going soon.
I know I'll be okay.
But I always get scared.
I know I need to grow up.
But I always get scared.
This happens all the time to other people.
Why can't I just take it with a grain of salt.
I've never had someone to care.
And now that I do, it's hard.
Anything to ever go wrong has been my fault.
I hope to gain the strength to right my wrongs.
And finally just be able to live.