I'm terrified. I've only gotten worse and doing the research just proves it's not looking good. I've ican hardly handle things now, I don't want to even think of a year from now. I don't know who I am or what I'm doing anymore. I really don't. I feel like I'm ruining all of the good things for myself and even for my best friend. I'm so sick and broken that I'm shitting on her feelings. I wish that she could be happier. I love her. What is wrong with me. What can I do now. I'm sick.

There is not one day that goes by where I don't cry anymore. It's been this way for a year, pretty much, and I can't do it anymore. I wish I could be a better person. I wish I didn't hate myself so much. I've never hated anyone more. I remember when I was little and you used to hold me. When you used to love me. I wish I could go back to then. When I had a mother. When I felt like I was going to have that through everything. Now I see that my dreams will never come true. That no one cares about the milestones. I remember thinking you'd come back. My senior year, I thought you'd try to find me so you could see me graduate. No one came, not even Dad or Pam. I'm not supposed to feel the love of family. And I will grow old, alone, never to have a family of my own. Never knowing the love I thought I had when I was 3. My heart is broken into so many pieces, that loving myself is impossible. I hate myself this much because if you didn't want me, why should I want to be me. You're the reason I seriously wish for death each day. All I want anymore is for my jealousy to end. I don't want to be this hideous person anymore, with my hideous thoughts. I deserve nothing. This is all my fault. My existence is the reason everything got completely fucked up so soon. Everyone showed me what a disgrace I am and I can't blame them. I'm a fucking piece of shit.

How have I been crying all day. I'm pathetic. I really can't stand myself. Waking up and realizing nothing has changed about me is the worst. I'm still a jealous, selfish and rude piece of whatever. I'm really so sorry. I can't handle all these feelings and all the fuck ups.

The fake happiness walls I put up have crumbled.

That was short-lived. I'm sitting alone and realizing where all the money I made went. Paying for everything for almost the past seven years really stresses me out, with the exception of where I lived, aka "my parents'", for my senior year. I need money. I'm scared because I want to give up everyday. And now I'm scared to go to work because I'm not a strong enough person. I want to just rest easy, but I need another job. I want to go to school, but I'll still need to work quite a bit, so I can gain some comfort. I don't want to fall behind or completely shit on college. I know that I can get aid, but I want to save money as soon as I can. I wish I didn't cry so much. The more I do, the less I feel I can hold back. The less strength I feel like I have. I go through most days fighting with whether I want to keep, well, fighting. I wish I didn't, trust me. I just want a place to call home, where I don't have to worry.

I'm dumb.

On the train home after, what was supposed to be, a good night. It all seemed okay at first, but as it progressed, I realized that I wasn't special. Only time that holding my hand or flirting was apparently okay, was when his friend(s) looked away. But I disregarded it because I wanted to pretend like I was worth something. Like I was a prize to be won or he felt the need to show me off. I wasn't and of course, he didn't. I'm just that insecure, desperate piece of shit who doesn't know how to not fuck a guy during the first hang out. I'm so sick to my stomach because of that. And because I thought things would be different. I wish I could've just kept my gaurd up. I wish that the grounds I stand on, didn't always crumble. I always criticize, hate, talk shit about girls like me. I realize that I have no room to talk. I never do. The walk from the bus to the train was an 11 minute one. As I headed to the train, a woman in a BMW convertable with three dogs, pulled up & told me to get in. I denied her, but she went on to say that she's a rape counselor and that although that neigborhood wasn't horrible, being in the dark was the worst idea for me. So, I got in, mostly because I love pups and she was persistant either way. I'm grateful for that part of my night. To know that someone actually cared about my well-being was a great feeling. I know my friends care, for damn sure, but everyone I came into contact with didn't give two shits.

I'm trying to become more optimistic. I'm trying to force myself to be happy. It's the hardest thing ever because something always has to stand in my way. Something always has to crumble my entire foundation, then I have to rebuild myself up again. If it weren't for some, my foundation wouldn't improve little by little. It would always have this disgustingly atrocious crack that nothing could be supported on. I wouldn't have time to even think about making the inside presentable or even keeping the dust from settling so thick on each surface. A lot of what's wrong is the amount of time I spend trying to make sure the emptiness of it isn't seen by the passersby, or that my welcome rug is littered by the mud from the unloving's shoes. That there is comfort inside and beauty that greets you from within. That there's the glow of smiles on the windowpanes. When each monumental moment comes around, there is an aroma of love, caring and a sureness that this is what life is supposed to be like. I don't want there to be this dark cloud over the estate of my life forever. I want there to be an inviting smile at each entryway. A hug of friendship and welcomeness when you stop by to say hello. This old house is mine and each foundation gets better than the last. If I keep remembering that, then it will stay standing strong for years to come, new plaster, new floors, new visitors and all.

I'm sick and fucking tired of pretending like not having parents is fine. Getting so jealous, it hurts. Trying to let people tell me to feel better when they don't know how it feels. I haven't felt safe in life at all. Fuck it. Fuck me.

Quit acting like the world's against you

I don't have anything good to say. I feel like I made myself look bad because I have to run from every potentially bad situation. Because I'm not strong enough to be alone, in my own court, everyday. I don't think the world's against me. I think that people don't listen to me, sometimes and my feelings get hurt. I'm not trying to be all about me or selfish. Ever since I can remember, I've had to fight all my battles alone. I get defensive. I don't get listened to a lot. I don't mean to offend people. I just want to be heard. It feels like I've been all on my own for most of my life. Even in my "parents" house, I had to fight every single battle. Even when I was 7, I took every blow alone. I'm sorry if I can't figure out what to change. Or how to get over it. Because watching people just have everything I've wanted, just makes it harder to be okay. The world isn't against me, I am. I cannot see things working out for me. I'm struggling so hard with normal everyday life, that I cannot see myself being able to handle much more. I need money, courtesy and someone to talk to.

I know things probably won't go as I wanted or expected, but I somehow manage to be okay. Thousands in debt at 22 and I haven't even been to college yet, have no one to go to when I need financial help and whatnot, I have a disgusting mental problem, my legs are shot and most things seem to always get worse. But I have my best friend, my sister, the only person who's always here for me. Yeah, I don't know if she's going to end up halfway across the U.S. somewhat soon or if I can become a better friend to her again, but she'll aways be my best friend and love me unconditionally. I want to keep trying to be everything she deserves and to succeed as soon as possible. I give her so many reasons to run the other direction, but she doesn't. I'm so lucky to have her in my life. I honestly don't know what else to be thankful for because all the good things have came from her. She makes them known and she makes them happen. She gives me reasons to keep going, no matter how hard it gets. I love her because of how much she believes in me. I want a family so much, but I have so much just because of her. And I have no clue why I'm crying. I'm just happy she's happy with me.

I feel like I've made a big mistake.

And it's only my fault.

Pretty personal

Ever since it was normal for hormones to give you "that feeling" and for teens to masturbate, I've been unable to be properly turned on. Like yeah, I mentally get turned on, where I want to get busy with another person I find attractive, but when I'm touched, I cannot get that special feeling. Touching me dirty has the same potential that shaking my hand does. I've always been too embarrassed to admit it, until lately, after I started to get really jealous of all of my friends. It wasn't even jealously over them getting any in the first place, it was jealousy over that even when they masturbate, they get turned on at all or even cum or orgasm. It's lame. And I try crediting it to my depression because it'd make complete sense, but I wasn't that bad when I was 13 or 14 and decided that "discovering myself" was a good idea. It was completely pointless and lack luster then as it is now, so I don't do it often or very much at all. Now, I just kinda flop about in bed when I can't sleep and wish I had some sort of outlet? Or something? Sex and sexual acts are one of the simplest forms of pleasure and generators of happiness. I've looked into it and realized that, although very few, other females have this problem, but that just makes me more worried. I kinda wanted it to just be me and a result of my depression, because that'd mean there was some sort of fix. But it's not and it's not my depression, because the first time would've been nice, as would other early sexual experiences I had.


I looked into it and I couldn't find anything on why I don't get aroused. Everything said didn't line up or came from something. No matter what, if I'm sexually touched, it feels like nothing.

No matter how disgusted I am with myself for proving I'm a fuckface to my best friend, I will try so fucking hard to "be happy". It was torture knowing that I offended her so badly though. I just wish I would've stuck with trying to hang with her. But when it didn't seem (wrongfully so) like hanging with her was a possiblity, my back up "sure I'll probably make it out" plans took place. I've been slapped in the face with the realization that I need to be more direct and up front about the right stuff. Yeah, Elise and I didn't have plans and yeah, I made a mistake, but I still should have been straight up and asked her if she wanted to hang or not. The nondefinite questions and answers turned into me seeing that I'm not too great. I try so hard to put the people I care about's feelings in my highest respects and I feel like I'm laying it on too thick or being clingy/needy, but now I feel like I just don't know the time or place to show how much I truly care. I constantly want to make those I love happy, I guess I'm just doing it at the wrong times. I'm so confused. I don't want to seem like I say or do things because "I have to" I want people to know I love them and they mean a lot. I'm just trying to fix what is obviously wrong with me, as a friend, by not being all in people's business or give them the will to decide. I need to know whether I'm allowed to act a certain way or not, because I'm trying to change what seemed wrong. But I'm never going to know how to be.

Promise

I've decided that in order to maintain the people I have in my life, I'm forcing myself to hold as much "serious" negativity in as humanly possible. This includes everything that can honestly sabotage good feelings and/or emotions. No matter how much I want or need to vent, I'm going to hold it in. Pretending I'm okay all of the time may force me to believe I am. I've reached a point where being honest is no longer right. From now on, I'm going to do my damnedest to fake happiness. I'm not always unhappy now, mostly due to a couple few friends, but I am most of the time. No matter what, whether I'm being hacked to death or what have you, I have no choice but to act like the shit isn't still piling higher and higher. Life isn't fair. Grin and bear it. It could be worse. I have to pretend for the rest of my life. And weirdly enough, I'm going to miss being true to myself, no matter how painful each day has felt.

To my best friend, you're wonderful. All I want from life is to be happy and it never seems like I can. It's no one's fault but my own and living each and every day inside this skull is too much for me. It's very obvious that many have it worse, but they're stronger than I am, too. I'm too emotional and sad. I want to quit needing. I want to quit thinking of how I ruin and how I wish I didn't wake up in the morning. I love with too much and I get so scared by how much I fuck up. I wasn't always so bad. Why can't I stop being so miserable? Why can't I get stronger, instead of weaker with each day? I hate being lost. I just want someone to hold me. Just want to feel family.

I want to be taken care of. I want to cry. The more I think, the more alone I feel. I want to be able to say everything. Or nothing at all because feeling this way wouldn't even exist. I don't know what comfort is.

I wish I knew how to be as careless as most everyone else I know. I don't like dissecting every little thing that people say or do, even if not toward me or about me. But subconcious words and/or actions will end up eating me alive. It's not about me, it never is or will be, but I just want someone to put me on a pedestal. To love me the most. I want to be the special person for someone. I would kill to be the reason someone makes a big choice or the reason love is even valid to them. I think about how I want to change someone's life and be a main reason they cherish it. I want something to be set in stone for me. For once. I know life isn't fair, but nothing ever seems to work out. I always love too much & lose it all somehow.