No matter how disgusted I am with myself for proving I'm a fuckface to my best friend, I will try so fucking hard to "be happy". It was torture knowing that I offended her so badly though. I just wish I would've stuck with trying to hang with her. But when it didn't seem (wrongfully so) like hanging with her was a possiblity, my back up "sure I'll probably make it out" plans took place. I've been slapped in the face with the realization that I need to be more direct and up front about the right stuff. Yeah, Elise and I didn't have plans and yeah, I made a mistake, but I still should have been straight up and asked her if she wanted to hang or not. The nondefinite questions and answers turned into me seeing that I'm not too great. I try so hard to put the people I care about's feelings in my highest respects and I feel like I'm laying it on too thick or being clingy/needy, but now I feel like I just don't know the time or place to show how much I truly care. I constantly want to make those I love happy, I guess I'm just doing it at the wrong times. I'm so confused. I don't want to seem like I say or do things because "I have to" I want people to know I love them and they mean a lot. I'm just trying to fix what is obviously wrong with me, as a friend, by not being all in people's business or give them the will to decide. I need to know whether I'm allowed to act a certain way or not, because I'm trying to change what seemed wrong. But I'm never going to know how to be.