The fake happiness walls I put up have crumbled.

That was short-lived. I'm sitting alone and realizing where all the money I made went. Paying for everything for almost the past seven years really stresses me out, with the exception of where I lived, aka "my parents'", for my senior year. I need money. I'm scared because I want to give up everyday. And now I'm scared to go to work because I'm not a strong enough person. I want to just rest easy, but I need another job. I want to go to school, but I'll still need to work quite a bit, so I can gain some comfort. I don't want to fall behind or completely shit on college. I know that I can get aid, but I want to save money as soon as I can. I wish I didn't cry so much. The more I do, the less I feel I can hold back. The less strength I feel like I have. I go through most days fighting with whether I want to keep, well, fighting. I wish I didn't, trust me. I just want a place to call home, where I don't have to worry.

I'm dumb.

On the train home after, what was supposed to be, a good night. It all seemed okay at first, but as it progressed, I realized that I wasn't special. Only time that holding my hand or flirting was apparently okay, was when his friend(s) looked away. But I disregarded it because I wanted to pretend like I was worth something. Like I was a prize to be won or he felt the need to show me off. I wasn't and of course, he didn't. I'm just that insecure, desperate piece of shit who doesn't know how to not fuck a guy during the first hang out. I'm so sick to my stomach because of that. And because I thought things would be different. I wish I could've just kept my gaurd up. I wish that the grounds I stand on, didn't always crumble. I always criticize, hate, talk shit about girls like me. I realize that I have no room to talk. I never do. The walk from the bus to the train was an 11 minute one. As I headed to the train, a woman in a BMW convertable with three dogs, pulled up & told me to get in. I denied her, but she went on to say that she's a rape counselor and that although that neigborhood wasn't horrible, being in the dark was the worst idea for me. So, I got in, mostly because I love pups and she was persistant either way. I'm grateful for that part of my night. To know that someone actually cared about my well-being was a great feeling. I know my friends care, for damn sure, but everyone I came into contact with didn't give two shits.