p0s!xc0r3!!!11!

I figured I should possibly write something that would give the two people who may read this the impression that I'm not some slothy ass piece of crap. I really cannot wait until I get things figured out and save some money so I can move to Chicago with Elise. I think that it would be the best thing for me since I've lived in so many places so far in my life and being in Iowa the longest is a little ridiculous. I feel like we would have the best time in a place like that and we would find what we've been looking for. We both seem to have lost a true meaning of happiness a while ago and it's no fun since we're always together and always down. I enjoy hanging out with her all of the time, too which is great given the fact we're both so blue. I know this was supposed to be a happy post, but I honestly have no idea how to stem off of good things when I write. People seem to think her and I hold ourselves in a smug manner because we know what we want and we don't waste time on sad excuses. So what if it seems rude of us to like what we do and act on our instincts? If it satisfies us, then shouldn't that be enough of a reason? Can't people just respect others that have a sense of honesty and maturity that they don't fall victim to childish acts as white lies. I believe when we leave we will be more apt to meeting people that look for such attributes that we hold. I know I make it sound as though as we're one person, but I've never found someone that agreed with me on so much and felt so similar as I on most issues. I'm mocked and talked down to due to the fact I've moved on and found true respect from a friend. Granted, I love all of my good friends and past "best" friends, but none of them have been able to almost fully understand why I am me. Laugh at me for putting you on the backburner. Poke fun because you betrayed me and were selfish. I really don't mind because I'm happier now and there's someone that wouldn't leave me out in the cold and lie to me.

Dissatisfaction part: 2

Sometimes I find myself feeling really down about how unreliable or unqualified of a friend I am. I feel as though what I do or do not do for the help of my friends is falling shorter and shorter each day. I don't mean to be pointless, but I don't know what I can do or maybe how to react to what is happening. I love all of my good friends very dearly and I wish I could convey that in a very obvious manner. Also, I hope the advice I give is worthy enough to somewhat fix any problems that need mending. I love you. Elise be happy because you're a beautiful person in every way and you shouldn't know hurt and sadness.

Dissatisfaction

In my life I always find myself thinking of things out there that I don't already have that could improve it. I do acknowledge all of the people, places and things I do have that make me feel a sense of self worth although they are few and far between. I have about six true friends when not three years ago I felt as though I had thirty. I guess I can tell that I've changed for what I thought was the better, but I guess honesty and maturity aren't expected of 20 year-old people anymore. It seems as though everyone I've been "friends" with for the past few years have gotten more and more childlike with age. I hate feeling bad for wising up and gaining knowledge because everyone else is just too busy partying to be my friend anymore. I dislike sounding so obnoxiously whiny, but I have no other known ways to convey my stress. I just don't get why I'm less appreciated nowadays. I know I should not care because the people in my life still are the ones that honestly matter. And I do cherish that and those people, but sometimes I just yearn for something a little more...who doesn't? I just don't like that I may come off as unhappy to the people I love and appreciate very very much when I have nothing but respect and care for them. I don't like coming off as if they're not fulfilling their quota for me and I wish I could just give them the absolution of knowing that I love them. I would be nothing without these people and I would be in a crazy home somewhere, I'm sure. You know who you are and I love you so much. Thank you for what you've given me.

Clueless

How to fathom one's worth seems as though it should be easy. But day in and day out I ponder my place in this world and I don't see my point. Yes, I have friends and family, but I sometimes feel invisible when I'm around more than one of them at once. I don't place the blame for that in any one of them, I completely place it in myself. I'm easy to disregard and simple to not show much interest in when attention is paid. If I were you, I'd do the same to me. Everything I go through when interacting with anyone is my fault. Whether it's a good experience or bad, I steer the wheel with people and lately I see no point in trying too hard at all because in the end, everyone I meet is let down by me. In the beginning, my antics seem interesting, but the more you see them the less you can handle the type of person I am. But mainly, I just want to tell everyone that I apologize for the person I am and that I should change. I wish I wasn't raised into this person either.

Seriously

I miss when I was too young and naive to detest this world I live in. I miss when I was in elementary and middle school. I miss the music from when I was little. Everything seemed so much more honest and beautiful. People weren't writing or singing about how messed up the world is or how terrible everything was. They were writing about love and the prospect of being enveloped within. Granted, there was some musicians that felt otherwise, but there were few and far between in comparison to now. I'm definitely not saying that I don't like listening to music birthed from angst because we all know that isn't true. I've grown up and during that I became more into such. But, when I was young and felt nothing but love and happiness it was great because it seemed as though everyone else was in agreement. Thank goodness for 90s slow jams. I want someone to sing Sweet Lady by: Tyrese to me. That is my life goal. [=



Update. A little over a week ago my roommate threw me out because I'm selfish and I take her for granted along with everything and everyone. Also, I apparently am a huge bitch and I use her and other people. I fail to be in cahoots with her as I have rarely been known as any of the above mentioned. Nonetheless, I now live with my best friend, Elise an hour away and I'm pretty okay with that. I no longer have a job but, I did speak with my [ex] manager about what happened and how I needed to resign. She said she doesn't understand why it happened because she never thought of me as the person I told her I was called. She also said I could work at that company again if i see fit. So, thank goodness for good people, too! In regardless, fuck the world.

I got the least severe level 3 years ago.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Fifth Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very High
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

I said

I was going to sleep but I guess I fibbed again. Not on purpose of course, but this tends to happen from time to time. As, I was in the restroom washing up I thought to myself about how I should write a message to those I love in the event I pass away. I know, kind of weird because I'm all of 20 years old, but people die everyday so why not, right? Anyhow, If I ever were to die out of nowhere I would like to have a FUNeral. One that people don't cry at, but laugh at. Laugh because of all the things we did together. Maybe cry, but only because they're laughing so hard. I would like for there to be multiple pinatas at my funeral along with a live band that my closest friend would choose. I would like for this to take place somewhere amazing, such as outside in the lovely landscape. Also, party favors, such as little gift bags of candy and rice crispy treats with m&ms in them, would be handed out to every guest. If I die and I still look socially acceptable, I would like an open casket and for me to be in a party dress and looked all dolled like I'm about to flirt, but after I request that I be cremated as to not waste anymore space on this earth. I don't want religion to be involved whatsoever in my funeral because although that was me, it is not anymore and never will be again. I understand even the most Athiest of people get Christian ceremonies, but I'm just not going to go out with false hopes of heaven in the minds of believers. If anyone attends this shindig and they obviously had no respect for me, they will be literally thrown out like on the Fresh Prince of Bel air. I would like one of my favorite movies to be played at the wake along with all of my favorite music. Iksnay on the shittay. I'm not down for crap music. I would like all of the decorations to be bright and beautiful colors along with the mandatory attire worn and the tiger lilies all over the place. Every picture of me displayed has to be with the ones I love. My family would need to know and understand that I did and always will love them no matter how far apart from them I distanced myself. It was because I wasn't strong enough to deal with my problems correctly, I swear. Don't read this and be down about the subject, read with an open mind and just know that I will not be purposely offing myself and I don't hope to go soon, know that I'm doing this just in case because I'm a picky nitwit. [=