I feel like I've made a big mistake.

And it's only my fault.

Pretty personal

Ever since it was normal for hormones to give you "that feeling" and for teens to masturbate, I've been unable to be properly turned on. Like yeah, I mentally get turned on, where I want to get busy with another person I find attractive, but when I'm touched, I cannot get that special feeling. Touching me dirty has the same potential that shaking my hand does. I've always been too embarrassed to admit it, until lately, after I started to get really jealous of all of my friends. It wasn't even jealously over them getting any in the first place, it was jealousy over that even when they masturbate, they get turned on at all or even cum or orgasm. It's lame. And I try crediting it to my depression because it'd make complete sense, but I wasn't that bad when I was 13 or 14 and decided that "discovering myself" was a good idea. It was completely pointless and lack luster then as it is now, so I don't do it often or very much at all. Now, I just kinda flop about in bed when I can't sleep and wish I had some sort of outlet? Or something? Sex and sexual acts are one of the simplest forms of pleasure and generators of happiness. I've looked into it and realized that, although very few, other females have this problem, but that just makes me more worried. I kinda wanted it to just be me and a result of my depression, because that'd mean there was some sort of fix. But it's not and it's not my depression, because the first time would've been nice, as would other early sexual experiences I had.


I looked into it and I couldn't find anything on why I don't get aroused. Everything said didn't line up or came from something. No matter what, if I'm sexually touched, it feels like nothing.

No matter how disgusted I am with myself for proving I'm a fuckface to my best friend, I will try so fucking hard to "be happy". It was torture knowing that I offended her so badly though. I just wish I would've stuck with trying to hang with her. But when it didn't seem (wrongfully so) like hanging with her was a possiblity, my back up "sure I'll probably make it out" plans took place. I've been slapped in the face with the realization that I need to be more direct and up front about the right stuff. Yeah, Elise and I didn't have plans and yeah, I made a mistake, but I still should have been straight up and asked her if she wanted to hang or not. The nondefinite questions and answers turned into me seeing that I'm not too great. I try so hard to put the people I care about's feelings in my highest respects and I feel like I'm laying it on too thick or being clingy/needy, but now I feel like I just don't know the time or place to show how much I truly care. I constantly want to make those I love happy, I guess I'm just doing it at the wrong times. I'm so confused. I don't want to seem like I say or do things because "I have to" I want people to know I love them and they mean a lot. I'm just trying to fix what is obviously wrong with me, as a friend, by not being all in people's business or give them the will to decide. I need to know whether I'm allowed to act a certain way or not, because I'm trying to change what seemed wrong. But I'm never going to know how to be.

Promise

I've decided that in order to maintain the people I have in my life, I'm forcing myself to hold as much "serious" negativity in as humanly possible. This includes everything that can honestly sabotage good feelings and/or emotions. No matter how much I want or need to vent, I'm going to hold it in. Pretending I'm okay all of the time may force me to believe I am. I've reached a point where being honest is no longer right. From now on, I'm going to do my damnedest to fake happiness. I'm not always unhappy now, mostly due to a couple few friends, but I am most of the time. No matter what, whether I'm being hacked to death or what have you, I have no choice but to act like the shit isn't still piling higher and higher. Life isn't fair. Grin and bear it. It could be worse. I have to pretend for the rest of my life. And weirdly enough, I'm going to miss being true to myself, no matter how painful each day has felt.

To my best friend, you're wonderful. All I want from life is to be happy and it never seems like I can. It's no one's fault but my own and living each and every day inside this skull is too much for me. It's very obvious that many have it worse, but they're stronger than I am, too. I'm too emotional and sad. I want to quit needing. I want to quit thinking of how I ruin and how I wish I didn't wake up in the morning. I love with too much and I get so scared by how much I fuck up. I wasn't always so bad. Why can't I stop being so miserable? Why can't I get stronger, instead of weaker with each day? I hate being lost. I just want someone to hold me. Just want to feel family.

I want to be taken care of. I want to cry. The more I think, the more alone I feel. I want to be able to say everything. Or nothing at all because feeling this way wouldn't even exist. I don't know what comfort is.

I wish I knew how to be as careless as most everyone else I know. I don't like dissecting every little thing that people say or do, even if not toward me or about me. But subconcious words and/or actions will end up eating me alive. It's not about me, it never is or will be, but I just want someone to put me on a pedestal. To love me the most. I want to be the special person for someone. I would kill to be the reason someone makes a big choice or the reason love is even valid to them. I think about how I want to change someone's life and be a main reason they cherish it. I want something to be set in stone for me. For once. I know life isn't fair, but nothing ever seems to work out. I always love too much & lose it all somehow.