Seriously

I miss when I was too young and naive to detest this world I live in. I miss when I was in elementary and middle school. I miss the music from when I was little. Everything seemed so much more honest and beautiful. People weren't writing or singing about how messed up the world is or how terrible everything was. They were writing about love and the prospect of being enveloped within. Granted, there was some musicians that felt otherwise, but there were few and far between in comparison to now. I'm definitely not saying that I don't like listening to music birthed from angst because we all know that isn't true. I've grown up and during that I became more into such. But, when I was young and felt nothing but love and happiness it was great because it seemed as though everyone else was in agreement. Thank goodness for 90s slow jams. I want someone to sing Sweet Lady by: Tyrese to me. That is my life goal. [=



Update. A little over a week ago my roommate threw me out because I'm selfish and I take her for granted along with everything and everyone. Also, I apparently am a huge bitch and I use her and other people. I fail to be in cahoots with her as I have rarely been known as any of the above mentioned. Nonetheless, I now live with my best friend, Elise an hour away and I'm pretty okay with that. I no longer have a job but, I did speak with my [ex] manager about what happened and how I needed to resign. She said she doesn't understand why it happened because she never thought of me as the person I told her I was called. She also said I could work at that company again if i see fit. So, thank goodness for good people, too! In regardless, fuck the world.

I got the least severe level 3 years ago.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Fifth Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very High
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

I said

I was going to sleep but I guess I fibbed again. Not on purpose of course, but this tends to happen from time to time. As, I was in the restroom washing up I thought to myself about how I should write a message to those I love in the event I pass away. I know, kind of weird because I'm all of 20 years old, but people die everyday so why not, right? Anyhow, If I ever were to die out of nowhere I would like to have a FUNeral. One that people don't cry at, but laugh at. Laugh because of all the things we did together. Maybe cry, but only because they're laughing so hard. I would like for there to be multiple pinatas at my funeral along with a live band that my closest friend would choose. I would like for this to take place somewhere amazing, such as outside in the lovely landscape. Also, party favors, such as little gift bags of candy and rice crispy treats with m&ms in them, would be handed out to every guest. If I die and I still look socially acceptable, I would like an open casket and for me to be in a party dress and looked all dolled like I'm about to flirt, but after I request that I be cremated as to not waste anymore space on this earth. I don't want religion to be involved whatsoever in my funeral because although that was me, it is not anymore and never will be again. I understand even the most Athiest of people get Christian ceremonies, but I'm just not going to go out with false hopes of heaven in the minds of believers. If anyone attends this shindig and they obviously had no respect for me, they will be literally thrown out like on the Fresh Prince of Bel air. I would like one of my favorite movies to be played at the wake along with all of my favorite music. Iksnay on the shittay. I'm not down for crap music. I would like all of the decorations to be bright and beautiful colors along with the mandatory attire worn and the tiger lilies all over the place. Every picture of me displayed has to be with the ones I love. My family would need to know and understand that I did and always will love them no matter how far apart from them I distanced myself. It was because I wasn't strong enough to deal with my problems correctly, I swear. Don't read this and be down about the subject, read with an open mind and just know that I will not be purposely offing myself and I don't hope to go soon, know that I'm doing this just in case because I'm a picky nitwit. [=

Right now

I'm thinking about how things fall into place the way that they do. Why do people fear confrontation and truth. Why can't things get handed to you on a silver platter when the less deserving get the special treatment. Who made the decisions that the sky should be up and the world should be round? I only sit in wonder because something somewhat frustrating happens and I take the time to try and figure out why. In that process I get deeper and deeper until I don't even remember what spurred such thoughts. I'm so stressed and my thoughts are literally screaming at me and my heart is racing as though there is a prize at the finish. What prize would it be for my heart if death where the shiny trophy or giant check? What if parts of you had their own thoughts? What if the couch you sit on got annoyed because you accidentally spilled crumbs on it? Maybe the crumbs are afraid of heights? Did they die on impact? Did they have families? What if you were the Godzilla in the life of a sandwich? Do you hold remorse for said sandwich? I honestly think far too long about the possible aspirations and thoughts of inanimate objects. I wish someone would just give me answers. Not necessarily about the seemingly pointless things that jog through my mind but of the "important" things. Like, why can't there just be life guiders people could go to? I'm starting to sound crazy, but I really would like to know some stuff. Nothing too wild, just random things that would really shine some sense onto a lot of things. Like, why do some people peg me as self centered? I don't get it. Although, what's new. I don't get much. I don't get satisfied or recognition or interest. I don't get a second glance or desires. I get what I beg for and what I beg for is mediocrity.

We all know

I would be lying if I said that I am the same person as I was 3 years ago, hell, even 3 months ago. I have changed a lot and in my point of view it was for the better. Yes, it is blatantly obvious that I was "easier to be around" over a year ago, but from what I know the only things I have changed or improved are that I tell the truth at most costs, I don't let people walk all over me, I've gained more knowledge in music and I'm not fake. This doesn't apply to everyone I know when I say that people don't like who I've become. People don't like when someone is blunt to their face or when someone that doesn't really like them isn't nice in front of them. I'm sorry but I just can't do it anymore. I can't go around being super sweet to those I just don't respect. Also, I have starting talking less and less to people I used to be close with because although it seemed like I didn't care before I am facing the fact that some of my friends aren't too great of people. If it seems like I have "betrayed" you or turned my back on you it could be because of something YOU did. I'm not saying that every time I don't talk to you for a little while means you're an asshole, I'm just saying that maybe you should take a look at the whole picture. No one is perfect especially me. Definitely me. I know my flaws, I know when to hold back, do you? Do you think that all unfortunate things happening in your life is something or someone else's fault? What I've learned is that I should step out of my selfish box and just look at things from the outside. Granted, I don't do it every single time, but I'm progressing. It may not look like it now, but I'm trying to become a better and more realistic person. Speaking of realistic, I would like to get into the topic of religion. *GASP* I know that about a year ago I was Christian. I know it seems like all of the sudden I just changed my mind because it was "cool" and everyone else was doing it! But, that is not the case. I was slowly losing faith over time and there were a couple things just hurdling me into my current stand quicker. I no longer believe there is a god or whatever. No religion is the right one. If so, that's too bad because there are too many to beat out and none have a fighting chance, except maybe Christianity due to the fact that it is the most popular. Oh well, people can believe whatever they want to as long as they're not shoving it down my throat. That goes for everything, not just Christianity. We live in a free country for a reason, deal with it.

Hopelessly

I wait around mentally alone wanting something or someone to happen. Every moment of my existence seems like a farce that someone from the outside is having a laugh at. No, not someONE some crowd of beings. Some large mega dome full of people with the driest of humor. People that wonder why I'm even wasting space on this vile earth. I can see a future featuring me in a straight to DVD movie encircling the joke that is myself. I realize that to those of you reading this, I sound like one of those people who ache for sympathy, but honestly, I'm usually not. I'm the sympathetic one, the caregiver, almost maternal even. I beg to be needed and thrive on being wanted. I overanalyze the slightest things people do in order to make me seem victimized. It's pathetic but I feel if people didn't include me in things, it has got to be because they did it on purpose. Know why? Because if I think they actually took a minute or even a second out of their thoughts to even intentionally single me out, I feel important. Again, I know it sounds exceptionally pathetic, but I am involuntarily in love with attention. I'm good at seeming spiteful towards it, but it's a huge act. And it's not like I lie about it either, I just naturally react negatively towards attention although now, we all know it's a croc. Call me out on it next time...I'll love every moment.

Once upon

One lonely day of being invisible to the world, I realized something about myself and most every being in this entire universe. All things will be forgotten. Every person, every cause, every laugh, cry, smile, scream and whisper. No matter how much or little one or many has done for this world or any other, it will be overlooked and forgotten sooner or later. I was never that person who proclaimed that she would make any difference on a large scale at all. Maybe for the people I know and will meet, yes and hopefully, but I never planned to make people love or hate what I believe in. I know it's pessimistic of me to say, but in the end, no one will care. No one will give a second thought to whether Martin had a dream or Obama wanted change, because the world, amongst others, is a selfish place. Give it some time and you will see it if you don't already now. I'd bet when this earth comes to a devastating end, the beings, if any, on Saturn or in any other universe for that matter definitely won't give a shit, even if they do know what went down here. I don't want to listen to my parents say that I need to go to college and make more out of my life, because it doesn't matter what I do at all to someone else other than my child, if I choose to have one or my spouse if someone will finally decide to have me. What's the point in being so self involved to suck up all the money by becoming a high paid CEO or a sleep deprived doctor or maybe a hateful loveless lawyer? I don't see any point, except if they're running low and you find yourself vastly eligible, go ahead I guess. But, don't ask me why I'm not in college "bettering" myself, because as far as I know, all I need to do is whatever I please. I want to be happy and make enough to pay my bills, lightly spoil my potential child and myself. I don't want to be a pretentious millionaire with nothing better to do than buy things for themselves. And even if I ever were to stumble upon a life of riches, I'd bet I'd buy thing's for the deserving people in my life, since I do it already with the little money I have.