Endless

I can't stand waking up everyday feeling hopeless.
As though the amount I try is exponetially less forgiving than everyone else.
As though I'm swimming to safety in quicksand with cement shoes & gloves on.
I'm stagnant.
I've fallen from grace years upon years ago & there's not one person to blame
but myself.
I want so much for my life.
Every dream easily grasped by any normal person, fulfilled.
Being able to stand up & voice my accomplishments with pride.
Not with disappointment.
Because, let's face it, I'm most disappointed in myself.
I'm honestly surprised with the quality of my loved ones.
The amazement that is my best friend.
I don't deserve this.
I don't deserve to have real friendship.
It's not like I'm one of a kind awesome.
Not like there's not five more of "me" around the corner.
Five more wasted lives to hear whining about.
Five more sacks of useless garbage.
I don't expect one person to feel my pain
or for that matter, sympathize.
Because I'm helpless along with hopeless.
I make myself out to be so half full to most.
When all I know is half empty.
When all I know is failure.
It's like I walk up two steps and fall down four.
And all I do is find myself using numbers to add up my losses.
So many goals, untouched.
So many promises, unkept.
I'm not worth your time.
I'm not worth knowing.

I'm not worth existing.