Elise

is the bestiest best friend ever.
She's honest and giving.
I like how she doesn't hide her feelings.
Even if she is in a bad mood, it's great of her to still deal with me.
I love her.





This may be retarded to everyone, but I honestly do think she's number 1. [=

I am so

scared, afraid, aghast, fearful, panic-stricken, petrified, shaken and terrified.


I have no idea what I should do. Chances are, I'll probably stick with the plan and see how it goes. I would like to have hope for myself, but judging from the previous downfalls, I don't. I'm only worried that I can't do it myself. But I know I have to learn someday or else I'm fucked. Seeing as I've thrown up, had a migraine and cried all my nervous feelings out, all I have left is a finicky stomach and sadness. I hate myself so much.

All is unexceptional

Change is irrelevant
Same dew at dawn as is at dusk
No matter what, everything is the same
Claim progression with no evidence
The only place to go is down
Keep your eyes high for mediocrity
Smile for nothing more than slight adequacy
Lend a hand of indifference
Tell an ordinary joke
Say you'll improve without advance
Every moment means nothing
Every caring shrug, careless
All promises crushed
No reason for assurance
Lies are truth and truth is right
Friends are acquaintances
Handshakes and kisses are coequal
Talking means nothing
Words are empty
There is no reason for affirmation when it's dead.
No one is worth any time

Not even yourself
Same dew
Same mold
Claim and claim, but be a liar
Cry wolf and be eaten

I never thought that

The saying: "Ignorance is bliss" held so true to me. I never thought that I would rather not fucking know than be severely disappointed when I find out the truth. I hate that I can barely trust anyone and that I have to walk with my eyes crazily scanning all around me and sleeping with one eye open. I don't like feeling alone. I don't like feeling as though I can't just make every thought I have open to everyone. I want more from life. I want more people to be trustworthy. I want so much and so little from everyone. How hard is it? I'm aware that all I do is complain. I'm also aware that I myself aren't in any way perfect. I know I'm one of the people I speak about. I can't be trusted, nor can I stand myself either. What I know is that when I say I'm not going to do something or I am, I usually come through to the best of my ability. Seeing as I don't have things many people do readily available to me, I may fall short on many things. Such things I can't give my word on are never promised, just hoped for. All I'm asking is that everyone else hope to do what they say they will instead of having completely empty promises. I know that it's impossible for all humans to keep promises, but please, at least do what you can and hope for what you agreed to. I'm just so sick and fucking tired of everyone and everything being so desolate.

To a degree

The more I think about my life as a whole the more disappointed I get in myself. I feel as though the older I get the more immature I become. Not socially, but responsibility-wise I'm going backwards towards childhood status. The things I wish didn't faze me are dictating my life. The people I barely acknowledge, negative feelings I get from every situation and society as a whole are running my entire life. I think too much and do too little. I need to evolve and get my shit straight because so far digressing in every situation thrown my way isn't cutting it. I'm driving myself completely nuts just breathing in and out. I have to do nothing whatsoever to absolutely anger myself. I need a leg up. I may not deserve it, but I'm so weak that I need the strength of another or several others to even live a semi-decent life. In order for me to not be alleyway box-ridden takes at least two people other than myself to make it so. I'm a pathetic being and I need to change. I need to get everything in order. I need to do so much in so little time that I may just spontaneously combust. Knowing that every time I seem to figure things out for me and become a somewhat respectable person then getting shat on in the end isn't the best of reinforcements. I need something more enticing, rather than blatantly realistic preconceived notions of my future.

Every instant

I'm sinking further and further within myself.
Feeling caged inside my head.
Many passersby wander along with millions of different keys on their chains.
I know every one of them has a key or several that would free me.
Yet, like a nightmare, I yell with a muffled voice and they ignore my flailing arms.
I've never felt more alone than I do everyday.
Every new moment I'm cursed with more torture.
It's although I'm dying of thirst, but I'm chained just far enough away for the water to escape my grasp.
The din of the rest of the world gets so loud that I can't even feel myself breathing.
Then again, it's so quiet my thoughts are screaming and pleading to be set free.
My ear drums are broken.
And my frozen heart pumps blood, no more.

I am

Still trapped in my thoughts, but now I have something worth reading to write. Rather than progressing everyday like everyone else, I fall back at a staggering rate and when I hit the ground it's nothing like the asphalt I expect, it's moist and soft. Before I can manage to get on my feet I realize it's quicksand and there's no one there to help me. I struggle and writhe until I'm neck deep and then just before I feel my chest compressing, somehow I find myself standing beside the pit dirtied and thankful I got out of that one. It seems that although I have heaps of bad luck, I somehow manage to pull myself out of trouble for what seems like a blink of an eye. The ratio of bad to good things that happen to me are out of this world and if this is how it's always going to be then I don't know what to do. Sometimes I sit for hours and think about what I can do next. The possibilities are on a short list. Sometimes there is no list at all. I don't know how to go about righting all of the wrongs in my life without some large amount of help from the people that have only taken from me because they are the only ones at liberty to fix me. That which broke me needs to put me back together somehow and soon because I don't know how much more I can take of myself in this state. I don't like who I've become for the most part. I want to be someone worth knowing.