I know

I need to change quite a bit.
Not really my personality, but the way I do things.
How I react and how fast I get stuff done.
But I can't help feeling that I'm stuck in a rut.
Every time I feel like I'm making progress, I end up facedown.
I've got about two people cheering me on.
Without them this would be even harder.
Trying to make life more worth waking up for is a job in itself.
Working and working constantly just to be okay.
It's crap, because it seems like the happy people got it all for free.
Got it from someone in their family long ago doing all the dirty work.
Lucky them.
I wish I were able to be that person for my family.
But I don't have enough heart.
Not enough will to even satisfy myself.
It's pathetic, I know, but it's me.
As I said, I need to change.

Destitute

I need out.
For means of survival, I need out.
I want to feel content within myself.
And there's no way w/o getting out.
Someday soon, I hope, I'll escape.
I'll enjoy each breath I take.
When that day comes everything will look up.
I have few things to be happy for.
And one will be going soon.
I know I'll be okay.
But I always get scared.
I know I need to grow up.
But I always get scared.
This happens all the time to other people.
Why can't I just take it with a grain of salt.
I've never had someone to care.
And now that I do, it's hard.
Anything to ever go wrong has been my fault.
I hope to gain the strength to right my wrongs.
And finally just be able to live.

Lost

I used to fill that empty hole
but now I'm barely needed.
Feels like someone came and stole
the one thing that's kept me breathing.
I hate to make this all about me
but I am who I am.
All I want is for the feeling to leave
I'm treading on broken land.
My feelings hurt from inside out
but it's no one's fault but my own.
I don't know what this is about
you made me feel at home.
Now sometimes I'm like a stranger
when I can't express.
My sadness turns into anger
I'm sorry, I digress.

Uh

What the hell?
I don't know if I'm overreacting or what.
But this is hurting my heart.
Every time I think about the possible outcome, my chest burns.
I want to get answers, but I can't.
Everything I know and have lived for in the past couple years may be crashing down.
Only reason why I haven't reacted openly is because I have trust.
I believe it's not even an option.
So, until further notice, I will be excited for what's to come and brush of my worries.
Because for all that I know, I'm just being ridiculous.

I hope that I'm being ridiculous.

Pretty sure

I need to go to therapy.
I need an unbiased person to tell me when I'm right and wrong.
Someone to tell the fucked up shit to.
Someone to hear me out in situation when I'm being tossed aside.

I'd just really like to figure out if I'm really being that fucking ridiculous.

Solitude

Up until now, I was blaming everything wrong with me & my life on that which surrounds me.
I was misguided.
I've realized that I'm just not socially equipped for friendship.
People see me as the skewed version of what I think I am.
And they're not false.
I'm just projecting myself in a way that is ill received.
Most times I think what I'm doing is the right thing, then later I notice each and every single thing that I should not have said or did.
I hate that I'm this good at letting everyone down, including myself.
And I'm not looking for someone to deal with my bullshit.
I'm not trying for pity.
I just want to actually write that I do know what the fuck my problem is.
I'm either too nice or too mean.
My extremes are so far apart that knowing me is a chore.
Not being my friend, just knowing me at all is too much to deal with.
I understand that I will end up ultimately alone.
I've taken that into account a long time ago & although I'm not prepared or happy with it, I have to just handle it.
I have a person or two who I really care about, but I even make them draw back.
It'd be great to fucking just stop being this damn annoying.
To stop trying to show people how much I do care even if they already know.
I need to just back the fuck off and shut my mouth.

In order for anything to be worth living for, I will.

/=

I have so much to say and no time to get it out.
Just be happy I don't have a computer because people would get an eyeful.
Who cares anyhow.
Everyone who matters already knows my shit.
And everyone who doesn't is my shit.