I want to be taken care of. I want to cry. The more I think, the more alone I feel. I want to be able to say everything. Or nothing at all because feeling this way wouldn't even exist. I don't know what comfort is.

I wish I knew how to be as careless as most everyone else I know. I don't like dissecting every little thing that people say or do, even if not toward me or about me. But subconcious words and/or actions will end up eating me alive. It's not about me, it never is or will be, but I just want someone to put me on a pedestal. To love me the most. I want to be the special person for someone. I would kill to be the reason someone makes a big choice or the reason love is even valid to them. I think about how I want to change someone's life and be a main reason they cherish it. I want something to be set in stone for me. For once. I know life isn't fair, but nothing ever seems to work out. I always love too much & lose it all somehow.

Making changes for the possibility of bettering my life.
Mostly because two people really believe in me.

Lucky for them, b/c I don't really believe in myself. Not yet.

Copying Elise's post

I moved to

http://pursuingghosts.tumblr.com/

This will never be deleted, b/c I'm satisfied w/ a lot of what I write, even if depressing and not so great.

Know what...

Everyday I wake up on the "wrong" side of the bed.
Anytime I look blank, I have you in my head.
Sadly, I'm a victim of cliche lust and loss.
I've paid my dues tenfold, although expensive is the cost.
I turn to look and see who it is that called my name.
And always it is no one, hallucinations are to blame.
I make believe things to get me through the day.
People question my smile and I reply with "I'm okay."
Being "honest" doesn't matter; I still tell many lies.
One day people will see right through my disguise.
I set myself up for failure more and more and more.
I can't even cry because I know what's in store.
Go ahead and say that I'm being melodramatic.
But put yourself in my shoes, oh, wait they'll never fit.
I don't need someone to completely understand.
And I don't need someone to adhere to my demands.
Because let's face it, I'm so not worth your time.
We all know time is money and I'm not worth a dime.
I have such will to dream up higher hopes.
But each time pursued, the door is slammed, "Nope!"
With how much I've laid down, all the blood, sweat and tears.
Everything becomes reality, even my darkest fears.
The only things keeping me from collapsing in the dust.
Are the fairytales I live with of sadness, loss and lust.

Endless

I can't stand waking up everyday feeling hopeless.
As though the amount I try is exponetially less forgiving than everyone else.
As though I'm swimming to safety in quicksand with cement shoes & gloves on.
I'm stagnant.
I've fallen from grace years upon years ago & there's not one person to blame
but myself.
I want so much for my life.
Every dream easily grasped by any normal person, fulfilled.
Being able to stand up & voice my accomplishments with pride.
Not with disappointment.
Because, let's face it, I'm most disappointed in myself.
I'm honestly surprised with the quality of my loved ones.
The amazement that is my best friend.
I don't deserve this.
I don't deserve to have real friendship.
It's not like I'm one of a kind awesome.
Not like there's not five more of "me" around the corner.
Five more wasted lives to hear whining about.
Five more sacks of useless garbage.
I don't expect one person to feel my pain
or for that matter, sympathize.
Because I'm helpless along with hopeless.
I make myself out to be so half full to most.
When all I know is half empty.
When all I know is failure.
It's like I walk up two steps and fall down four.
And all I do is find myself using numbers to add up my losses.
So many goals, untouched.
So many promises, unkept.
I'm not worth your time.
I'm not worth knowing.

I'm not worth existing.

Realist

The one who keeps me grounded,
helps me know what's needed seen.
She has a way of always knowing,
what's real and make believe.
I can't be more than happy,
for the way she lives her life.
Her knowledge and philosophy,
gets me through my strife.
If only people knew about,
everything that she's been through.
They'll have a sense of realization,
that she's right and true.
One day she'll be renowned,
for all it is she knows.
Everyone will appreciate,
her intelligence exposed.
I know soon she'll meet her match,
someone worth her time.
A person that gets her,
a motherfucking dime!
I've got complete respect for one
and it's my bestest friend.
No one has been so straight up,
She's real until the end.